Goodbye Blogspot! Hello Weebly!

Blog has moved

2010-11-06T22:29:00.000-07:00

I decided to move my blog to my website to keep everything simple. And colour-coordinated.

Click here for my new blog!

See you over there!

Qualicum and Hallowe'en

2010-11-01T23:53:00.001-07:00

This past weekend Charlie and I spent in the honeymoon suite at "The Inn on Long Lake" in Nanaimo. I was doing a workshop with St. Stephen's United Church in Qualicum on Saturday. The workshop was about Spiritual Gifts. It was well-attended and I think everyone really enjoyed it.

As for Charlie and I, it was so wonderful to have a whole weekend together! We did have a "three's a crowd" intruder with us though - Guinness! The hotel is pet-friendly so we packed up the raw dog food, leashes and bowls and headed out. The picture to the left I took from our patio glass door. Beautiful!

Guinness had a blast on the tiny little beach on this fresh water lake. Once she discovered it was water like the hose, she went insane. She ran into the water and leaped and splashed like a puppy. I just caught the tail end of it on video:

We came back Sunday afternoon just in time for the Trick or Treaters. We have very cool decorations that we've collected for several years - especially since the kick-ass Hallowe'en Party fundraiser we had here about 7 years ago. With no Alex, I had to carve the pumpkin myself for the first time in over 10 years! We had lots of kids and it was really fun. I took some pics of how the house looked from the outside:

Our creepy front door

My uber-cool Jack o' Lantern

Our scary front window

Hey I got the MikeyTheBrat Christmas cards in the mail today! Woohoo! So if you know ten people who hate Christmas and love dogs, you can order a set for $2.99 + shipping. Just click on the picture!

Friends, Finland, Future Shop and Facebook

2010-10-23T19:23:00.000-07:00

Last week of October coming up - unbelievable. Without the church year calendar in front of me 24/7 all the weeks sort of melt into one another.

I had a wonderful day last Tuesday. Wonderful, because I spent it with my friend Rob Pollock. Rob's living with incurable colon cancer. The treatments take their toll on him for sure, but this week he was feeling good, eating and enjoying a Guinness. Rob lives in the west end of Vancouver so we met at the Sylvia Hotel for lunch. There's free parking underneath and the food was delicious. Then we went for a walk along the beach and into the park. Rob was a forester before he was a minister so he knew all kinds of cool stuff about the trees. I just knew they were beautiful. The sun was shining, the leaves crunched under our feet and the soft breeze off the water made everything smell fantastic.

On one of the pathways we met this little fella - tame as could be:

I just walked right up to him and took his picture. Rob had the energy to walk for hours! It was awesome. Great conversation too. I took this picture of us and it's probably the most hideous picture of me, but our smiles are so indicative of the day!

It was a weird coincidence but I got 3 new clients via Skype this week - one from Finland, one from Sweden and one from Norway. All three are lovely women - intelligent and attractive. They're all suffering from emetophobia - one is so severe she hasn't left her house nor eaten anything in 2 years. Every day she drinks 4 "Boost" drinks and nothing more. She's too terrified of germs to go out or have anyone come in hence the Skype counseling. I hope and pray I can help her.

Since I'm doing almost all my work via Skype I decided to invest in a new webcam. The microphone on my computer isn't great and the camera is meh. I didn't buy the computer with that in mind. So it's a business expense. I also hope to do some "webinars" in the near future. I've discovered there are all kinds of ways to make money from home these days. Hopefully I'll get my new camera before I'm scheduled to give an internet lecture on leadership at Atlantic School of Theology (AST).

Charlie's away on business this weekend and Alvin is in Leduc with Alex, so no Skype calls with her either. Guinness is guarding the house! Oh ya - Alex took some hilarious pictures of Micah for "MikeyTheBrat" Christmas cards I'm making. Speaking of Mikey - read his blog this week and find out how he reacted to Guinness having to wear the "cone of shame."

Katie phoned yesterday and she's doing great at SFU - getting good marks. She'll be busy this weekend doing ballet rehearsals and studying for a midterm. Good luck Katie!

I found a friend on Facebook this week I haven't seen for 15 years. We both worked at Ballet Classique - when I had cancer I worked there in exchange for Katie's ballet lessons. She was an amazing and really fun modern dance and jazz choreographer from NYC. She lived in Vancouver that year, then returned to New York. We had some good times. Gotta love Facebook!

Thanksgiving

2010-10-15T14:37:00.000-07:00

Our family enjoyed turkey dinner with a twist last Sunday. The seven of us gathered for dinner, as we always do, with our linen napkins, grandma's crystal and great-grandma's china. But at the end of the table sat a laptop computer, tuned in to Skype. And our youngest daughter, Alex, who is serving her United Church internship in Leduc Alberta "joined us." Our dinner was late getting on the table, and she ate early, so we shoved stuffing and mashed potatoes into our mouths while she chatted to various members of the clan. It was new, weird, different, sad and wonderful all at the same time. Luckily she'll be home for Christmas! Here's the menu:

Roast Turkey with cranberry-apricot stuffing
Sour-cream mashed potatoes and rivers of savory gravy
Fresh green beans
Sweet-potato squash
Sourdough rolls
Homemade cranberry sauce or jelly
Home-baked apple or pumpkin pie with whipped cream
Fabulous Filipino squash-cake-dessert-thingy that I can't remember the name but thanks to my new in-law sister, Nenita, for making it for us!

On the counseling front I've now got a waiting list of clients. That makes me a bit sad. I want to help everyone who emails me! But with the push of marketing I did over the last 3 months, and particularly in the past month, I should have expected it. If only the church could put up a Facebook ad that simply read "For help with your ______, click here" (Fill in the blank with a million things). And if only people would actually click, actually come, and actually be helped. But alas....that was Christendom and this is post-modernity...

Perhaps knocking myself out over the past years in ministry trying to figure out how to "market," where to market, when to market helped me get traffic to my blog and click-throughs on my ads with ease. So my counseling blog should come with a warning: don't try this at church! haha

The other fun piece of news this week is that Alex and Alvin finally got their wedding pictures from the photographer. They all downloaded in RANDOM ORDER, mind you. Geesh! So mom volunteered to put all 240 of them in chronological order, which morphed to "tell the story" order. If you know Alex or Alvin, you can go to their website and see some more, or download all 230 of them if you like. Just click on the picture to go to their site!

Oh ya - and on Wednesday Miri Lee and I made three RELAXATION RECORDINGS (guided imagery). She played harp and piano and I spoke with a soft melty voice.

The tapes will greatly help my counselees, but Miri and I are also going to sell them online. One I made as specifically Christian, since I've never found one of those before, and the other two are nebulous-new-age. But hopefully quite relaxing! When they're ready I'll put a note here and/or on my website if you're interested.

Cheers til next week!

Yaking, Yak and the Crystal Cathedral

2010-10-03T11:34:00.000-07:00

Last week I came out of the closet here on my blog - as a person with a history of the debilitating anxiety disorder "emetophobia" (fear of vomiting). Just so you know, I'm now convinced that I am completely recovered. Anxiety-free. As evidence of this I survived Norwalk recently with no anxiety. I survived listening to Alex have Norwalk in the house with me with no anxiety. And this past week I've survived combing through the internet looking for pictures and videos with the search word "vomit" with no anxiety. Well maybe a little. Just before I click "play." Anxiety 0/100. Grossedoutedness 100/100.

That's been my week pretty much. Reading about puke, looking at puke, talking about puke.

On the upside, I've met some awesome new clients via Skype. They are women from California, Texas, New York, Ontario, England and New Zealand. It's been awesome to be able to reach out a helping hand, an understanding ear, from so far away and an honour to come to know each of them. They are all smart, attractive, likable women. And their lives have been completely ruined from being terrified every minute of every day. Today I prayed for them but mainly for myself. I hope I know enough and am skilled enough to help them.

Today I did something I thought I would never do: watched the Crystal Cathedral worship service on TV. I sang the hymns and listened to the solos and scriptures and sermon. It was good. I felt close to God. I didn't care that I wasn't part of the faith community, because I felt a part of the community of saints. In fact, I was glad not to have to pass the peace (I hate that) and glad not to have to go for coffee and make idle chit chat with people. Besides, I was in my pajamas.

Don't worry, I'm not a convert. Next Sunday I look forward to joining again with my United Church sisters and brothers again at Ryerson United Church. Sans pajamas.

Anna is officially...

2010-09-25T14:35:00.001-07:00

This past week I've been spending inordinate amounts of time marketing and social networking. This involves blogging, writing articles, answering ads, bidding on freelance jobs, keeping a presence on some phobia discussion boards, designing and running ads, adwords, adsense. It takes a ton of time.

But it seems to have paid off. I've hooked up with a guy who markets a program to help people with emetophobia (fear of vomiting). Since that's what I had for many years it's a natural partnership. His program is very cheap and very sensible. Not a quick-fix, but a good program. So he and I decided to partner around the counseling I offer via Skype.

Since I'm one of the few counselors in the world who's a recovered emetophobic, I really enjoy working with other phobics and doing my part to help. Most therapists have never even heard of emetophobia, let alone treated it. So for half of my first session fees, this dude is going to send out to his emetophobia email list my name and bio. He ran a test email yesterday to 100 recipients and I got 3 new clients. Next week he's going to email out to the other 14,000.

Yikes!

I really hope I don't get 4,000 people emailing me for counseling. I can only take 10 clients/week and still have 3 days left for writing (which is why I quit my job in the first place - it wasn't to do counseling). I already have 7 clients - all emetophobic. So that would make me really sad - to turn thousands of people away who need help. I might have to spend a year writing a training manual for therapists or something.

Anyway, that's my news this week. I'm out of the closet now. Yes, I had a puke phobia. It was pretty severe for 30 years. I did 300 hours of therapy and can safely say I'm anxiety-free now. And my therapist has a really nice car.

Since I've outed myself, if you're curious about emetophobia, I have a secret website (well, how secret is anything on the internet?) It's www.emetophobiahelp.org

100% Woo Hoo!

2010-09-22T13:02:00.000-07:00

Hey I just took an English grammar and punctuation exam on Freelancer.com. I guessed at three questions and was sure I got them wrong. One was "sheer cliff" or "shear cliff" (and 3 other ridiculous choices). I picked "sheer" and that was right.

The punctuation was quite tricky. One sentence I thought should not have any punctuation where the blank was, but "none" was not a choice so I picked a comma. Another could have been grammatically correct with either a semicolon or a period. I picked semicolon. Later there was another similar question with a capital letter after the blank - so that was the period. Whew!

I did the test in just over 7 minutes. You had 15 to complete the exam.

Check it out:

Results - English - Level 1

Result	Passed
Mark	100%
Time Taken	436 s
Time	22-Sep-2010 15:59:51
Topics Covered	Grammar 1 Punctuation 1
Award

Back to Available Exams

The Week of Loss

2010-09-17T11:03:00.001-07:00

I'm glad that if things really do come in threes that the third thing to die this week was my dryer. Especially since I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon.

Both my cat and my computer went the way of the lobster last Tuesday (as in, lobsters as a buffet item on cruise ships after the recession....gone). They both started off sick, but I thought I could handle both the diagnosis and the treatment myself. They both got sicker. I ran every manner of antivirus software and "tune up" on my computer and it got sicker and sicker, eventually taking 90 minutes to boot up Windows. The cat had stopped eating altogether and I was force-feeding him, assuming the problem was stress cuz our dog likes to chase him and occasionally they - yes - fight like cats and dogs.

I finally succumbed and took the cat to the veterinary hospital. He lived there 5 days racking up $1000 but only got worse. He died Tuesday. 11 years ago I took two teenage girls to the SPCA to pick out a kitten. Mistake. They both fell in love with a different kitten so we brought home two, much to my "I-hate-cats" husband's dismay. Katie named him "Forrest" after Forrest Gump - adorable but stupid. The other cat Alex named "Biscuit" after a character on Alie McBeal who was smart but weird. Biscuit is a little lonely now but he's a healthy 24-pounder who just blorts around on the spare bed all day and purrs up a storm in my ear at night.

The computer I took to the "hospital" as well. It also had to be euthanized due to "hard-drive failing." It's under warranty but I have to return it to Future Shop to get a new hard drive. Bah!

Yesterday the dryer gave out. It just doesn't heat up, so I'll have to call someone in next week. Meanwhile my last load before it gave out is hanging all over my house - it couldn't have been towels or sheets - oh no. That would violate Murphy's Law. It's socks and underwear and gym clothes. My house looks like the back yard of a tenement.

From time to time my TV and my iPhone were acting weird this week as well. I wondered if either I or the house had been hit by lightning any time lately. Or perhaps it's Gremlins or Aliens. At this point I'd be like "Take me with you! I'll put up with the anal probe! Anything! Please!"

On a happier note the writing is going well (on Charlie's computer). I have secured some editing jobs and I'm working on a couple of screenplays. I have a few counseling clients now so that's also going well. Life is generally good...as long as this week's losses are confined to just three!

Leduc Alberta, Home of the Norwalk Virus

2010-09-04T10:30:00.000-07:00

Alex, Alvin, Charlie and I (and Alex's dog Micah) set out on Friday, August 27th to move Alex to Leduc, Alberta for her 8-month internship. Since I can't sit in a car for more than 5 hours, we took 3 days to get here. We stopped in Kamloops at a really cheap motel ($69/night....no relation). Then we went to Jasper and stayed in a large suite at a nice lodge. It had 3 hottubs and we took advantage of all of them. The next day we did a little sight-seeing. Drove up Mt. Edith and hiked to the glacier which was on a glacial lake. Unbelievable. I can totally cross that off my bucket list now.

We stopped at a hot springs next and once again took advantage of the sore muscles and nerve endings. Then onward to Leduc. We arrived Sunday around dinner time. Alex's basement suite is nice - fairly new and pretty clean. The living room is open to the upstairs, so there's not a lot of privacy but Alex and I rectified that by moving most of the living room furniture into the large kitchen.

Charlie and Alvin got up early Monday morning and Charlie dropped Alvin off at the airport then drove my car home - it only took him 12 hours - haha.

Alex and I had great plans for the week (I fly home next Tuesday). Get the apartment organized, figure out suppliers of raw dog food ingredients, shop for some necessities. Instead, we got a Norwalk virus on Monday night. That was brutal. The kind of brutal where you sit on the crapper with a bucket on your lap. Except that there were no buckets or even garbage cans in the whole suite. So we barfed into her brand new mixing bowls, then bleached the hell out of them and boiled them in oil.

Tuesday was a write-off. We were so sick I actually phoned Charlie and asked him to fly here to take the dog out to pee. I kid you not. Somehow Alex managed to crawl across the street to the park with her and she was a pretty good sport about it. We did let her destroy a dog toy to amuse herself for the day. By the afternoon we had stopped barfing, and just lay around watching True Blood-the first and second seasons. Wednesday we were a bit better, and could eat some bananas and a bit of toast. Unbelievably weak, however.

Thursday Alex had an all-day workshop an hour away with her Lay Support Team and Minister-Supervisor. I unpacked her kitchen boxes. Then we both collapsed and ate nothing for dinner.

On Friday we went out shopping, moved the furniture into the kitchen, went to a potluck meet-and-greet for her and her LST. Alex baked a delicious blueberry pie. So I guess we were better. She's younger and stronger than I. Even this morning I'm procrastinating going shopping again by sitting here on the computer for the first time in a week.

Leduc is, apart from the Norwalk, a nice place. A huge never-ending field with houses and shops on it. Big sky though - that's something you don't see in BC.

The house has a 2-car garage and Alex can use half of it for her car which is awesome. There's a big park across the street for Micah to run and play. And she's getting to know the two little dogs upstairs, even though the poodle-ish one keeps attacking her by striking out at her nose (death wish much!)

That's all for now - we're off to buy a vaccuum at the Bay with some wedding gift cards. The Albos had a Dyson "Animal" vaccuum on their registry so that's the order of the day.

Have a great Labour Day weekend everyone!

2010-08-21T13:10:00.000-07:00

So I guess I'm a writer now. I think it hit me when I was doing a new bio for my website and I wrote something like "was once a United Church Minister." It also hit me when someone paid me for a magazine article. Cha ching into my Paypal account. Okay, it was only $100 but the article took me about 20 minutes to write so that's pretty good. But it's not like I can do that for 40 hours a week. But hey - woo hoo - I can pay my car insurance this month.

Besides the magazine article I've done a couple of freelance copywriting jobs. That was an interesting exercise and not too difficult - although one of them took quite a lot of research.

Most of my time has been spent on the "fun" stuff. I'm writing a script for a sitcom. The working title is "The Alex Cafe" and it's loosely based on "The Gilmore Gang" skits.

It's original material, but the premise is that Alex and her sister Katie inherit a coffee shop from their aunt. Alex is a philosophy major and wants to start a "Philosopher's Cafe" but no one shows up. So she asks her friend Alvin to bring some of his friends from university. Instead, he gathers the most unlikely motley group of misfits to the cafe. Alex is horrified but of course they stay and talk "philosophy" and thus...hilarity ensues. For those of you who know TGG, oh yes, Moysha and his girlfriend Rainbow are characters. As is Jacob (renamed "Jason") and Roxanne.

The other thing that's just awesome to write is MikeyTheBrat's blog and Twitter account. Pure unadulterated comedy in the satire sort of way. So totally fun. I'm still not used to being actually free to write anything I want and not have to worry about somebody emailing me about it or hauling me into a meeting to scold me like a school-child. I'm sure I will still get the emails mind you, but I can just click "delete" and go mwahahahaha - I don't have to worry about burying that person's husband next weekend or negotiating my salary increase with them. Freedom is a strange feeling. I still haven't fully integrated it.

I'm also working on marketing and publicity which is a TON of work. I made a whole new website. You can check it out at www.evokingchange.com It's at the same address but it's all about me and the services I offer. Alex shot all the photos.

I have also spent quite a bit of time setting up my counseling practice, and I have a few clients. That is very cool because I really want to help people who have emetophobia. I've been doing that online for years (contributing articles and advice on a discussion forum) but now I can actually work with them in person. It's awesome. My emetophobia counseling website is at www.emetophobiahelp.blogspot.com I totally revamped that a few weeks ago - also a ton of work. I'm setting up a youtube channel with videos of people puking - in ascending order of nastiness. I can only do so much of that every day. The scanning youtube for them is quite the activity - but somebody's gotta take one for the team!

Today I welcomed home my sister from her ship and we celebrated her birthday in conjunction with Alex's farewell. We're driving Alex to LeDuc next weekend and I'll be staying with her for a week before I fly home. Charlie and Alvin will drive home right away.

Watching the nastiest movie ever right now...but I have some kind of weird fascination with it. Later dudes.

What the hell is this?

2010-07-21T19:00:00.000-07:00

I bought this at Ikea in the "as is" section - thought it was a spice rack. Clearly not! But what the hell is it? The two trays, front and back, slide out. The top looks like a handle but it slides up. Looks like there may be a rod missing in the middle. Also, the handle-thingy has a slot in the bottom.

????

How not to be a Twitter TOOL

2009-07-02T20:25:00.000-07:00

1. Don't just say something is hilarious and give us a link. Your idea of hilarious and mine are quite different. For instance, you might be someone who thinks South Park is distastefully offensive but this just cracks you up.
2. If you're going to put in a link say something about its content. Don't just say "check this out".
3. Don't quote other people. If we want to look up profound quotes we can google them.
4. If your tweet has a lot of @ symbols and people we don't know we will skip over it. In fact, we may not even check if we know any of the people.
5. Don't write nothing about yourself in your bio and expect anyone to follow you.
6. Don’t bitch at us in a DM or a reply. We will simply click "block."
7. Don’t link to pics or videos of upchucking without posting a warning. We may be on Twitter while eating coleslaw with pineapple chunks in it.
8. Don't wrt lk UR a teengr txtg. It takes too long to read.
9. Don’t steal other people’s tweets without the re-tweet sign (RT) and don’t RT a RT of a RT of a RT.
10. Don't actually tweet what you're doing right now. Nobody cares. Similarly, we don't care if your cat looks cool when he licks his hoo-ha.

Making Changes ~ The First Step

2009-06-13T15:03:00.000-07:00

Leaders cannot evoke change in the people or organizations they lead without changing themselves first. And I hate to say it, but in order to change yourself, you need to acknowledge your pain. Your "issues" shall we say. Because those issues will come back to haunt you not only around the kitchen table, but around the boardroom table too.

You may seek to overcome your pain by seeking after something else: that job, that relationship, that new TV set, iPhone, laptop, car. Or you might try to cover up your pain with alcohol, drugs, sex, or one of those frozen chocolate cakes...every night...!

Simply acknowledging your pain, your "issues", your mother, your bully sister...and allowing yourself to sit in those feelings for even a few minutes a day before heading out to the party, to Future Shop or Dairy Queen, will help. Because the more you do that the calmer you will become. And calm leaders are good leaders.

Leading in the leadership field

2009-06-05T15:12:00.000-07:00

It's been a terribly long time since I've blogged, and that's not due to negligence or worse, apathy. I was ill for over 18 months. Don't ask. The point is, after a 14-hour surgery and 2 month recovery time and some amazing new dope I'm BETTER! I returned to full-time work officially this month.

So the blogger is baaaaaaaack!

Unfortunately, I missed the golden window following my book launch to market the thing. Now I'm pitching it to some publishers for a new edition and working on book proposals as well as some spin-off books.

The United Church of Canada, like most mainline churches is lacking in three key areas: people, money and leadership. The one that interests me most, of course is leadership. I want to envision what it will take to be a leader in our church in the field of leadership. Indeed, it is the same theory within the rest of the world. What will it take to lead in the field of leadership?

Leadership gurus abound but many of them are full-time academics. They're not in the trenches; some have never been. Big-time business "leaders" lead with charisma or personality, catapulting their organizations forward on their own energy. They leave or retire and they cannot be replaced. The organization fails. They spend their retirement peddling a leadership theory that doesn't work. And making millions.

The true voice of leadership in our time must come from leaders in the trenches. Leaders mired in the muck of economic recession, conflict, personnel hassles, apathy and lack of productivity. Leaders who are invisible, silently plodding along empowering others who shine brighter than they.

Bah!

2008-08-15T19:31:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged here for SIX MONTHS - and not because I don't feel enthusiastic about it. It's that I've been off work on medical leave with a neck injury and horrible headaches. I'm only back half-time even now, but I hope to get back to the regular blogging very soon. It's almost as though the universe is conspiring against me with this book. Finally, after all the work I had a really successful launch - selling over 200 books within the first week. Then all hell broke loose and I won't bore you with the details. So now I'm thinking about finding a traditional publisher and basically starting all over again, since my marketing plan that was detailed down to the day is pretty much out the window.

I had a great workshop at the "Emerging to Where" event sponsored by Emerging Spirit. Both my workshops were full, and I sold a lot of books that day. The participants had great questions. It was awesome to hear Diana Butler-Bass and get to chat with her personally, even if only briefly. It was also fun to talk with her husband, Richard Bass who is Director of Publishing at the Alban Institute. I told him I have another book in me - on congregational leadership - just screaming to get out. Unfortunately, I've spent a little too much time lately screaming in general - what with the pain and frustration.

Tomorrow or the next day I shall blog something of worth. Meanwhile, it's good to be back at the keyboard.

No pain, no gain

2008-02-15T16:50:00.000-08:00

I used to use this expression a lot when I was younger. That was the time in my life when I was uber-physically fit. Never kid yourself in to thinking that ballet isn't the most physically demanding "sport" of all time. Once when I was studying at the University of Waterloo the ballerinas did the football team's workout and the football team took our classes for a day. We kicked their pussy-wussy butts like you wouldn't believe. They were a bunch of snivelling, whining cry-babies in our classes while we jumped over those hurdles and ran on the spot while simultaneously reading magazines, drinking beer and farting in their general direction.

That was then. Now - some 30 years later - I find myself the victim of a 5-year-old soft tissue injury that I never properly addressed until it got so I couldn't work with the pain. My life consists mainly of enduring the time between physio appointments, and daily walks and exercise. I'm trying to keep up with the blogs and other writing, but I can't sit for too long at a time.

It's ironic I suppose. The introduction to my book and the first chapter, the foundation for my theory, is all about pain. It's not physical but emotional pain I'm talking about, but of course the two are hooked together in the brain. That's probably why when I succumbed to the various incidents of grief and loss, the pain in my back, neck and head really became unbearable.

In university I used to think "pain" meant something almost good - a phenomenon that let you know where the muscles were really working and getting strong. Something to "push through" and feel good about. But when it comes to emotional pain....well....hold on....I guess it's true just the same.

2008-02-15T16:29:00.000-08:00

Right-click on the INAM image and choose "copy" from the pull-down menu. Then go to your Word program and open a new document, right-click and choose "paste". Voila! Load some heavy paper or card stock into your printer,then print and cut to business-card size.
If you're curious about what the INAM card means, check out my blog at Emerging Spirit

Ah have bin ruhDEEMED brothas and sistas!

2008-01-31T09:29:00.000-08:00

Finally, after three days of letters emails and phone calls CTV has relented and broadcasts Canada AM on local channels, nationally beginning at 3 am PST. So that means I can TVO it and get up at 7 like usual and get my Seamus, Beverly and Jeff fix as usual.
Ah the power of the pen to shape Canadian culture!

...of course there's still the justice issue. What about the poor dudes who don't have TVO or a satellite? We remain in the fight. Film at 11.

Now It's Central-Canada AM! Bah!

2008-01-29T08:44:00.000-08:00

I decided today that I'm going to use this blog to actually blog. You know how it is - prattle about my life and what I think and such. Try not to be deep and profound every time I put an entry on here. (If you want my deepest, most profound thoughts, buy the book).

So - I'm off work for a while on medical leave. It seems all the grief and loss in my life over the past 5 months finally caught up to me - along with chronic back and neck pain that I never talk about - and whammo...all of a sudden I couldn't THINK. This may sound like a rather mild, benign symptom of a medical condition but geez - in my job, without a functioning neocortex, I'm up the Fraser River without a whitewater raft.

(Hence another reason to blog nonsense)

On top of everything else the Saturday after I went on leave my dog died. It sounds like a sorry joke, but I kid you not. She was a bit under the weather for a couple of weeks, but we figured it's cuz she's 10 and getting up there. But then she went right down hill and turns out she was all fulla cancer. Heck - may as well just KEEP CRYING, right?

So when I start the crying over the dog, then with swift ease I switch to my mom, then smoothly make the transition to Shannon and Jemma. This is actually a handy cyclical phenomenon where I can start with any one of them and move to the others.

BUT NONE OF THIS IS MY REAL POINT

Because - oh yes - it gets better. I may be able to handle my mother dying suddenly, or my friends blowing up in a balloon, or my dog dying but the last straw and I do mean the VERY LAST STRAW...IS...

The evil CTV has "CHANGED THE FORMAT" of Canada AM so that the people in ONTARIO get Seamus O'Regan, Beverly Thompson and Jeff Hutchison and their interesting features (live - EASTERN time -) from 6-10 am. THEN at 10 am (7 am here - the time I normally tune in) we get frickin' MI-JUNG LEE in Vancouver blathering the NEWS over and over and over (since there isn't 2 hours of bloody news in Canada anyway).

I am in total SEAMUS WITHDRAWL!

So as of yesterday there will be no more waking up to my darling golden-haired Newfoundland boy. No more laughing along with Jeff having breakfast in various fun places across Canada (guess he won't be coming out this way much anymore, eh?), no more interesting interviews to watch Beverly do - with artists and authors and even theologians sometimes; no more movie reviews; no more computer geek dude with tips; no more diet and medical advice; no more Canadian musicians performing. No sirree-bob. Not for us 2nd-rate citizens here on the west coast. We get news leftovers for 2 straight hours. Their website brags about "now the show is 6 hours long". Ya right. IF YOU'RE IN ONTARIO! They also brag that the last 2 hours (the only 2 we get to see) will be "all news" and "breaking news". They claim that it's better than the fact they previously taped the show for us in BC. But the fact is, they always had local news or breaking news during the breaks anyway. So we got a great morning show with other news interspersed. Isn't that what people WANT from Canada AM?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I feel much better now that I've vented. Thanks for reading. If you really wanna help your friend Anna write to CTV. Or send cash by mail. Cheers.

/2484

Grrrrrr

2008-01-16T20:57:00.001-08:00

Anger sure is a part of grief. I always knew that intellectually, and I've seen it in other people but man oh man has it ever come home to roost this week. I could get so mad so easily at so many people. It's like I'm roaming around looking from side to side just WAITING for an easy target. I should have a T-shirt made with this symbol:

Along with the warning: "Contents Under Pressure". My daughter -- with the arm that won't move due to the car accident -- is overwhelmingly bringing me shame by being far more mature than I am or have ever been - even in my writing. She's being gracious to the people who went through the red light, and politely telling them they can come over and look at the car (the husband didn't believe there was substantial damage to it..but lo and behold the insurance company WROTE IT OFF). This all made me mad, and I would have said to the dude on the phone "look...your wife ran a red light. This means you have ZERO RIGHT TO PHONE ME so... p*** right off"

Ya.

Everything I write about in my book is completely contrary to projecting one's anger onto another like this but hey...my mother died and my daughter's career might be messed up all in one week. So - I can at least THINK it, can't I?

Okay...I THINK I need double the time in prayer and meditation from today on...
In fact, I'm sure of it.

/2479

That's three things now

2008-01-13T19:20:00.000-08:00

My mother always used to say things happen in threes. I guess it was superstition, really. But I still think there's something to it. For instance, after I wratched my back before New Year's I got so behind in my work that I thought "please God...just don't let there be a funeral this week" and not 24 hours later the nursing home called to say my mother wouldn't live through the day. She died at 2:30 last Wednesday afternoon, my sister and I by her side. That was the day before some fool ran a red light and smashed into my daughter's car. (She's ok) So on top of the grief and shock and stress we have to fill out virtually every government form there is.

My mom was 91 and the quality of her life was very poor at the end. Nevertheless, it's hard to say goodbye - she was certainly a colourful character. Katie's car is probably a write-off and her arm hurts like hell. So needless to say, the tension in the Christie household is out of control. When that happens, families tend to revert to type. Ya...you know all that spiritual growth and maturity I talk about in my book? Out the window! All my "effective listening" and "meaningful connection" turned into a sharp and bitchy, "shut up Charlie."

The funeral was today; Katie's arm is good enough for her to dance again; she's rented a car thanks to ICBC and our bellies are all full of chicken casserole, made courtesy of one of many loving and caring United Church women. So tomorrow I suck it up and start acting my age again. That means being less reactive, listening, understanding, trying not to project my own "stuff" on other people. It's a life-long-learning process. *sigh* I'm off to bed.

Tomorrow is another day.
/2449

True Confessions for the New Year

2008-01-04T16:11:00.000-08:00

According to the Christian calendar, it's still Christmas. That is, until after January 6th (the "12th day of Christmas"). New Years was back in the beginning of December.

So...a happy Roman Calendar new year to you all!

If you want to read something profound about making New Year's resolutions...as in personal change ... go to my Christian leadership blog at Emerging Spirit and check it out. I happen to think it's a pretty good one this week.

It is 4:30 on a Friday afternoon, and I am currently enjoying my favorite activity: multi-slacking. It's like multi-tasking, but with various forms of time-wasters as opposed to work. You need the whole picture, so here it is.

I'm in my pajamas. They are old and sloppy, and the pants are covered with multicoloured letters, all of which spell "kiss me". No one, even my beloved of 26 years, will kiss me in this outfit.

Although I'm in a recliner chair anyway, my feet are resting on one of those exercise balls - you know - the ones you're supposed to use to get in shape. They make comfy footstools. I'm being careful not to move my ankles or toes - that might actually strengthen some muscle.

My 11-year-old Golden Retriever lays snoring at my feet - in doggy diapers. Poor thing is incontinent in her old age. At least, unlike my 91-year-old-mother with a similar fate, the dog still recognizes me when I come in the room. I stare down at her and ponder the aging process sped-up 10 times faster than in humans. Such is the fate of all of us, and the alternative is no better. The dog's presence there reminds me that time multi-slacking is time I can never recover, to help make this world a better place or to alleviate some human suffering.

A repeat of Oprah is playing on my husband's new penis-envy-inch widescreen High-Definition TV set he got for Christmas. For "the family". I wonder whether any amount of work I will do for social justice this year, or money we will give to charity, will atone for my secret-now-public love of this thing which stamps us as official yuppies SLASH destroyers of the planet SLASH exploiters of impoverished workers.

The highly-defined widescreen Oprah is talking about how to go green in your family. Most of it seems to include buying more crap - cotton shopping bags for $9 each, fancy water bottles, new cleaning products, etc. etc. She never mentioned one of the favorite websites of hypocrite-me : www.buylesscrap.com

In my hand I have a can of .........omg I can't even say it.........*closes eyes and clenches teeth, waiting for lightning to strike*......COKE. (Dont' even get me started.)

It helps that I'm stoned . After wratching my back last Saturday, the only thing that helps at the end of a long day is Tylenol #3. Between that and the Coke, I'm experiencing a strange sense of euphoria - as if I'm NOT killing the planet and destroying its peoples with my flabby middle-class existence after all.

On my lap is my trusty laptop. A cat, who lives the way we all wish we could, warms up to the radiation-heat emanating from the back of it. His purring is strangely comforting and I reflect that if I were only a little more spiritual, the purrs might be enough to alleviate my pain - and I could lay off the T3s.

Despite the opiates and all the comforts of the western world, I'm lacking in energy and feeling blue. Just goes ta show ya. Everything we surround ourselves with to self-medicate (including dogs, computers, comfy chairs, pajamas, TV sets and drugs) doesn't necessarily lead to happiness. Heck...we should be the happiest people on the planet, eh? Skipping around in a euphoric frenzy. Jumping up and down with joy at every moment. Whooppee! Pajamas! Whoopee! An HD TV! Whoopee! A dog and a cat! Whooppee! A can of coke! Yahoo! A warm house! Yippee-yi-o! Tuna casserole! Eeeeeyoow! Painkillers in a bottle! What a great life I have ! Wa-hoooooooo!

Hey

I feel better now.

Happy New Year!
/2280

Woo hoo! New website!

2008-01-03T22:02:00.000-08:00

Yay to my wonderful son Adrian for creating my fabulous new website!

THANKS ADRIAN!

You can find the site at www.evokingchange.com OR www.evokingchange.ca

FABULOUS!

Tomorrow I shall blog....

The Canadian Dollar - taking a hit

2007-12-21T07:39:00.001-08:00

My book's about to be reprinted...for a couple of reasons - mostly some nifty updates on my part. But here's the thing: this time it won't have a price on the cover. The first printing has $22.95 US and $27.95 Cdn. With the second print run, it will sell to Canadians for $22.95 as well. Which basically means that I,along with Canadian retailers, will take the hit for the difference. You see, the difference in pricing of books has nothing to do with the value of our dollars. It has everything to do with the cost of publishing books in Canada - it's just more expensive. I REALLY HOPE it has something to do with our minimum wage being higher, and our social safety net. Perhaps that's part of it. But also, we have to pay shipping from where they're printed in the US up across the border. Crossing the border (customs brokering) costs too, and then there's GST payable on shipping. That's why the prices are higher.

But after all, it's a capitalist society...and so consumers drive it, not "justice" (in any sense of the word). While it may not be fair that authors and Canadian retailers take the hit for a higher Canadian dollar (really a lower American dollar)...the reality is that people can order books online from American retailers at lower prices. And people won't pay more for the same product if they can pay less - that's what capitalism is all about.

So I guess if I'm going to benefit from a capitalist culture (the freedom to produce something and sell it), then I have to put up with the downfalls of it as well. So...I'm ok with that. I'll lose money, but I'll put on a happy face.

I hope all the people who paid $27.95 for the book already will similarly swallow hard when they see it on the shelves for $5 less....(gak)!

Merry Christmas everyone...heh heh heh...

New website about to launch!

2007-12-16T23:06:00.000-08:00

Within a week, I will launch my NEW WEBSITE (woot!) My son's designing it right now, and I'm firing off emails to him fast and furious. Well, not furious - that would be the emails I'm sending to my publisher....

....anyhoo.....

This site will still be here as a BLOG. So I'm changin' up the look a bit so it matches the new website. White and blue; blue and white. New logos and new marketing stuff and such.

Meanwhile, it's ADVENT and I am indeed a CLERGYPERSON, first and foremost...so my time for blogging is quite limited. If you're a Christian church person, check out www.emergingspirit.ca - where I blog every Friday for sure.

2102/1014

Politically-correct "12 Days of Christmas"

2007-12-06T09:15:00.000-08:00

Okay, it's Advent and I'm trying to market a book in my spare time. Sorry for the delinquency in blogging. So this little number is a peace-offering. I didn't write it, and I don't know who did, but...enjoy!

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my potential-acquaintance-abuse-survivor gave to me,
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming
ELEVEN pipers piping plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note.

TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,

(NOTE: after a member of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens, and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,
THREE deconstructionist poets,
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses.
And a
Spotted Owl activist chained to a pear tree!

/2006

Leadership Without Easy Answers

2007-11-23T09:02:00.001-08:00

The title of this blog is the title of an amazing book on leadership by Ronald Heifetz. Heifetz's writing is very accessible to the common layperson, even though he emanates from Harvard's Kennedy School of Government.

The Library Journal says this of Heifetz's work:

Heifetz presents a new theory of leadership for both public and private leaders in tackling complex contemporary problems. Central to his theory is the distinction between routine technical problems, which can be solved through expertise, and adaptive problems, such as crime, poverty, and educational reform, which require innovative approaches, including consideration of values. Four major strategies of leadership are identified: to approach problems as adaptive challenges by diagnosing the situation in light of the values involved and avoiding authoritative solutions, to regulate the level of stress caused by confronting issues, and to shift responsibility for problems from the leader to all the primary stakeholders. The theory is applied to an analysis of historical accounts of [American] local, national, and international events. An innovative and thoroughgoing work; highly recommended.

Although Heifetz develops his theory of leadership from the perspective of American history, I found his book to be tremendously insightful and helpful. I reference Heifetz a number of times in Evoking Change.

One of my favorite images in Leadership Without Easy Answers is that of the "dance" and the "balcony". Heifetz says that leaders spend too much time caught up in the dance. What we need to do instead, is go up on the balcony and watch the dance. I often call it "taking a step back" to see what is going on. In Evoking Change I entitle one of the final chapters "Curious Change" and talk about leaders doing "detective work" - trying to figure out what's happening with the emotional PROCESS in the system rather than involving themselves in the CONTENT of issues.

Once you've purchased and read Evoking Change, if you're looking for some more meat-and-potatoes on leadership, pick up a copy of Leadership Without Easy Answers.

In Memory of Polar

2007-11-13T11:19:00.001-08:00

On Remembrance Day evening our 5-year old cat, Polar, breathed his last. He was young, muscular, energetic and healthy. Little did we know he suffered from a congenital heart defect and suddenly had a massive stroke, rendering him paralyzed and in pain. We rushed him to the vet emergency clinic but this cardiomyopathy with saddle thrombosis in cats is always fatal when it is that serious.

The thing is, I never really liked this cat. I rescued him from someone who couldn't keep him in their new apartment, but I never warmed up to him much. I sort of respected and admired him instead, cuz he was what I'd call a real cat. Meaning - he didn't have a master, he had staff. He didn't generally like cuddling or forms of sucking up. Sometimes he would come over and stand on your chest and purr but it was always on his own terms. If you tried to pick him up he'd growl and hiss and then fly into a claw-wielding fiery spin.

The neighbours liked Polar. We don't let our other cat out of the house, but Polar meowed at the door for A YEAR so we finally relented. He ran around the neighbourhood, up on people's rooves, and in their garages. He rubbed up against everyone's legs. When our neighbours, who've never had a pet in their lives, went to India for 3 weeks Polar ran right in their house when they returned. As if to say "HI! Whereveyabeen?"

I was reflecting on Polar's sudden demise as I walked along the dike by the sea this morning. Life is so fragile, isn't it? One moment he was as healthy as a robust horse, the next minute he was completely incapacitated and within one hour he was gone from this earth forever. An Aboriginal Canadian elder once said to me, "if you live your life rightly, any day is a good day to die."

I wish I had liked Polar more. I wish I'd enjoyed his personality, and given him more opportunities to crawl up on my chest and purr. I wish I'd talked more to him, played with him with a ball or a piece of yarn. I wish I'd told him more often he was a good cat, and given his head a little pat once in a while.

All I can do today is grieve the loss...of this silly animal I allowed myself to get attached to. Grieving is a good thing. It is a sweet sadness. And I can remember to thank him. Thank you, Polar, for teaching me to live rightly every day.

1771/811

A blogger's blog

2007-11-13T11:05:00.000-08:00

The title of this blog entry may be a bit confusing. You have to liken it to "a man's man" or "a dog's dog". It means the real thing. You see, I've been thinking. That's why I haven't been writing here for a couple of weeks. Thinking, thinking.

What sort of blog would people most appreciate from me? You see, at first I thought that I should dedicate this blog to writing interesting stuff about leadership - tips and such. I write a weekly column (blog) for the National Church which is like this - and it's from a Christian perspective, obviously. So I thought originally that this blog should be similar, but from a secular perspective or at least interfaith perspective.

But now I'm re-thinking that. Now I'm thinking it would just be more fun to write what I want to write cuz I love writing. And I love just about any opportunity to be funny, and EVERY opportunity to be profound.

So....ya....that's what I'm gonna do for now. 'til I change my mind again!

The cool news is that Adrian is designing a complete website for me - a new look and a new layout. Stay tuned for its launch!

Hallowe'en Leadership

2007-10-31T09:06:00.002-07:00

Okay, so I thought it was a catchy title. Believe it or not, I looked at a book last weekend that was called "Pirate Leadership" and it was infinitely more silly.

Today is Hallowe'en, one of the most fun days of the year. As a clergyperson in the Christian church, some Christians find the need to remind me that Hallowe'en is a pagan festival and should not be celebrated or even acknowledged by followers of Jesus. These are folks that have no idea who Jesus really is, assume he's the manifestation of NO FUN and a killjoy to anything festive. WWJD you ask? Well, what did he do at a wedding celebration that had already gone on far too long - where everyone was pretty tipsy and the wine ran out? He made more wine! Put a lampshade on his head and said "on with the party!" (Okay, so that last bit I made up)

Anyway, I'll save the sermons for my church blog. My point today is that leaders have to be able to have fun. Are you at work today NOT dressed up? Tsk, tsk...poor example. Nobody should be all work and no play - it models workaholism, which is a very dangerous addiction that only results in higher productivity for a short period of time - right before the burnout and stress leave kicks in.

When I was interviewing for assistants back in the 90s I asked them that typical question about their weaknesses. Some of them tried to be clever and say "I work too hard" or "I'm a perfectionist"...at which point I would stand up and shake their hand then show them the door. Shocked the living hell out of them.

I didn't want somebody working with me that had the same weaknesses as me anyway! The key word is balance. Can you balance your life with work, hobbies/interests, family and play? If you can do that, you're an excellent candidate for any leadership position.

So if you haven't got a costume yet, try taking a page from Jim on the NBC hit comedy The Office: cut out three large black dots from construction paper and stick them with tape in a row down the left side of your shirt. (You're a 3-hole punch)

I'm going as a basket of laundry.

Happy Hallowe'en!

1547/652

Movies, Marketing and Meh

2007-10-20T14:28:00.000-07:00

I don't have much to say this week. Certainly nothing profound anyway. So if you've come here today for wisdom, just move on!

This week I was home sick with a stupid cold. I can't believe how badly it knocked me out of commission for seven whole days. Oh well. Although I wasn't in the office, I was working flat out. Which might be the reason I was sick for 7 days. Ya - there's my wisdom this week. If you're sick GO TO BED. Watch movies. Anything but work!

I was writing for a series of documentary films on separation and divorce. We filmed the last of the stand-ups today, so when the promo is ready I'll put it up here on this website. It should be really cool. Lotsa work, but....it's good to help people who just got separated or divorced - they're really hurting.

In my spare time, which is between 10 pm and midnight - I've been working on marketing my book. My copies arrived at the house this week and yowzers...it wasn't as exciting as I thought it would be. I sort of freaked out thinking - geez...anybody can write a book. Selling them is another story!

That's the Movies and the Marketing. The "meh" is how I feel - what with the cold 'n'all.

See ya next week when I'm "wiser"!

Oh ya - meanwhile - you can buy my book now from www.chapters.ca and www.amazon.com

If you're not in the Vancouver area where you can come to my book launch party then...WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?...order it online!

3-Minute Video Blog!

2007-10-12T14:43:00.000-07:00

1400/529

Leadership and the Dreaded E-mail

2007-10-06T19:42:00.000-07:00

E-mail communication does not count as meaningful connection. It is not “meaningful.” Nothing could be more meaningless these days than hiding behind a computer screen like a coward. E-mails are one step worse than writing a letter. If the e-mail triggers an emotional response in the person on the receiving end, there is a possibility she can click “send” when her amygdala (the fear centre in her brain) is still firing DANGER!, rather than when her neocortex (the "thinking" part of her brain) has thoughtfully processed through all the information. For that matter, you may have clicked “send” under the same circumstances.

If the anxiety triggered in you is too high for you to be able to consider coping with a face-to-face meeting at this time, it is acceptable to begin the connection with an e-mail or a letter. The process you go through before sending the e-mail or the letter should look something like this:

 Compose the e-mail in a word-processing document first, so there is no risk you’ll click “send” too soon.
 Write in the letter what you’d really like to say if you didn’t care about the consequences. Print this letter out, burn it in your fireplace and delete the file from your computer. (I usually fill the time waiting for the letter to burn by stomping around the house screaming, but that’s just me.)
 Compose a wise, thoughtful, carefully worded letter to the other. Take as much time as is necessary for this. Don’t rush the process.
 Ensure that the letter defines self. It should not contain you statements, accusations, scolding, blame, insistence that the other change or imposing of your will upon the other.
 Ensure that the e-mail states the goal you wish to achieve through this communication and that it is proactive in suggesting a face-to-face meeting at a later time.
 Leave it for at least 24 hours.
 Read the letter again, being mindful of anything that could be misinterpreted by the other.
 Run this test: could I publish this e-mail in the Globe and Mail? If not, go back and reword it in such a way that you could.
 Have the most mature, integrated person that you know read the e-mail and point out any parts that sound angry, accusatory, or that could be misinterpreted.
 Rewrite it and leave it for another 24 hours.
 Reread it the next day, make any final adjustments and copy it to your e-mail software. Then say a prayer and click “send.”

The best way to meaningfully connect is in a face-to-face meeting. I know I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating: in order to be a good leader, you have to talk to people. Folks in different forms of leadership often come to me for advice or share stories in my workshops about some problem or other that they have within their organization. I am continually blown away by the fact that very seldom have they even attempted to speak to the person or people involved in any kind of meaningful way.

1208/443

Establishing a Value System

2007-09-29T14:58:00.001-07:00

One of the most important things for a leader to do is to have a value system that is clear. What do you believe? What is acceptable (morally) and what is not? Have you decided upon this? If not, it's time to think it through. It doesn't matter what you decide - what matters is that you decide something, and stick to it. If you think it's okay to pirate software because you're one who believes such things should be the property of anyone who owns a computer, fair enough. State your belief, let your employees know, and pirate away.

I personally think that pirating software is stealing. The people who own it don't want you to take it without paying....so to me, that pretty much constitutes stealing - but that's me. Since I believe this, I don't pirate software, and I make sure there's no pirated software on any of the computers at work, or on my computer at home. If I can't afford to buy it, I do without or wait til I've saved up for it.

My point is not to preach morals here. My point is that a leader must know what he or she thinks, values, believes. S/he doesn't need to force others to believe what s/he believes, but s/he must be able to calmly state his or her beliefs when asked. It doesn't matter how others react to your beliefs. What matters is how YOU react when they react. Can you stay calm? Can you listen to their point of view and try to learn something new? Can you STATE what you believe, or do you feel like you want to hide it because it might "upset" someone? The latter is very poor leadership indeed.

I remember my daughter and I driving back last winter from Seattle, and getting caught in an ice storm near Bellingham. We didn't have any luggage when we checked into the hotel, since we hadn't planned to stay the night. But luckily across the street from the motel there was a K-Mart so we headed over to buy some pajamas, toothbrushes and a pair of underpants for the morning. I couldn't believe the prices! Perhaps they really are this low at Walmart, a place I refuse to shop in due to the way they exploit their workers and such. Anyway, I got the nicest, snuggliest pair of jammies for about $8.95. I couldn't believe my luck!

Back at the motel, I came to a horrible realization. I looked at the tag inside the jammies (something I'd not done in the store, in all the rush) and sure enough - made in Pakistan. Pakistan! The child labour capital of the earth! I was sick about it. Didn't know what to do. The store was closed and wouldn't re-open til after we were headed home in the morning.

I still have those jammies. But there isn't a single time I put them on, that I don't take a moment to think of the plight of children in Pakistan, India, Thailand and parts of SE Asia. Children as young as 6 working in dangerous jobs for NO PAY at all in order to pay off small debts their parents owe - debts that with interest, will never be paid. Children chained to machines weaving beautiful Persian rugs for the industrialized world. Children doing dangerous jobs like disposing of medical waste. Children forced into the sex trade. I think about them, as I said, every time I put on the jammies. I say a prayer. And I vow to never again buy an article of clothing without checking the label.

1145/397

To Market to Market to SELL a Fat Pig...

2007-09-22T09:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the first day of my weekend. I spent EIGHT @#$%^&* HOURS of it sitting in a chair at my computer doing a marketing plan for my book. I resisted. I procrastinated. I took three coffee breaks (and I don't even drink coffee). I photocopied several sheets of paper entitled "S.M.A.R.T. Goals". I lined them up niceley on the desk, along with several pens in order of colour and size. Walked the dog. Did some yoga. Experimented with various kinds of herbal tea. Soon enough I recalled the great advice of writer Stephen King re: the cure for writer's block - "ass to chair." I moaned loudly, then remembered that nobody was home so the moan dissipated into a small but snivelling whimper. And slowly but surely a marketing plan arose from out of my fingertips and brain waves.

It's not that I don't know anything about marketing - in fact, I've studied it extensively. That probably makes it worse. Barnes & Noble are the people who need the plan - they won't stock my book on their shelves for the paltry 8 weeks I'm guaranteed unless they see that I'm going to be doing something to drive people into the store to buy it. What they really want, is for me to drive people into their store who will buy a lot of other crap too. Or even mainly the other crap.

So it's not like I can just call them up and go, "Dudes. I know how to market stuff. Trust me." I think Lucy Maude Montgomery may have done that when she published Anne of Green Gables.

Marketing is two steps removed from my real passion around this book. My primary passion is that I share the information with everyone. I'd rather teach the stuff, to progressively larger audiences, until everybody hears it. I had considerably less passion about writing it down. But there was some sense of purpose, destiny, calling in doing so. After all, I can write. Lots of people who know stuff haven't a clue how to communicate it on paper. The writing took me three years, since I was doing it only on vacations and study leave. It was gruelling. I was in such agony at times I was afraid I might not die. But said labour produced this beautiful child: a bouncing baby book! You'd think that was the end of it. But apparently in order to have anyone actually read the book they have to purchase it ergo they have to know it exists.

Hence the marketing plan. Not only do I have to create that and make it look and sound good (a bit like a school project), I also have to write press releases, fact sheets, a variety of author bios, "hook" lines, summaries, and even the flippin' questions and answers for radio or TV hosts. Go figure!

*ANNA! What does all this whining have to do with leadership? I'm readin' yer blog and I'm not learnin' anything so far that I can use!*

Sometimes we have to do what we don't like. What we're not so good at. We may even have to do things at times that we believe are useless, because there are rules and people "above" you may enforce the rules -- whether they make sense or not, and whether you like them or not. The best way to deal with this is to own your emotions rather than project them onto others. Be aware of your feelings of anger, frustration and boredom. Sit in those emotions for a bit. Have a good ol' whine-fest (as opposed to a whine-tasting)but keep it to yourself.

~~ be aware of your emotional response
~~ embrace your emotional response, rather than try to shut it down
~~ don't project your whining onto other people
~~ ass to chair

1085/366

Parents: turn it upside down

2007-09-15T18:30:00.000-07:00

Today I visited my 91-year-old mother at her nursing home. She had a stroke 11 years ago and sort of went downhill from there. She's pretty much blind, very deaf, and hasn't known who I am for the past two years. They've just moved her to a floor where folks are more bedridden and such. I walked in on her sleeping and couldn't help but notice that she had a perma-frown on her face. My mum actually frowned for most of her life, so this is not surprising.

I remember hearing Maya Angelou on Oprah once. She said that the most important thing in parenting is "do your eyes light up when they come in the room?" I don't think my mother's eyes ever lit up, much less when my sister or I came into a room where she was sitting. (Poor mum had a hard life - I don't hold it against her at all.)

When I heard Maya say this it was a "doh!" moment. Of course - that's what parenting is all about. No matter what they've done, no matter what time it is, even when they're miserable *cough* teenagers* .... do your eyes light up. Ya.

I think my children were probably 15, 17 and 27 when I heard this and figured out that I probably frowned so much my face might just stay that way when I get to be 90. I can honestly say that just thinking about this every time my kids came into the room made a huge difference in our family life. Over the past 7 years I've had a moment or two with them where, like an idiot, I get in the middle of one of their fights. But most of the time I just enjoy the fact that I have these wonderful kids, and I don't sweat the small stuff.

When we take leadership within our own lives, our whole family gets healthier.

1010/329

When's the last time you had FUN?

2007-09-08T09:16:00.001-07:00

The past couple of weeks have been pretty sombre for me. But nobody wants to read a blog that's a continual downer, right? Rightee-ho. Let's talk about joy today.

For fun, I just did a google image search on the word "fun". Here is the first pic that came up - I kid you not.

I will simply say that there is no argument to this cyber-intelligent-reasoning.

But seriously, folks....there is nothing worse than a leader who's a drag. I understand from this statement that I am dating myself as someone from the 60s. Right. Just asked the 20-something fruit of my loins for the 21st century equivalent of "a drag". She's glad I asked, because the term "a drag" is antwacky. Apparently the appropriate term is "bummed" or the somewhat less common yet equally appropriate "watered". One of her friends chimed in that "ass" may also be used freely as a verb denoting at times bummed or watered, depending on the context.

Best not to be a leader who's bummed or watered or assed, then.

I mean, really. Nobody wants to work for someone like this. You have to find your source of joy. What makes you happy, perky, enthusiastic? Figure it out. If nothing does then you might want to look into that. Depression is a serious disorder. A depressed leader will have a depressed organization. You need energy to deal with the inevitable energy of your colleagues, subordinates or co-workers. Otherwise, you'll kill every good idea with your bad attitude.

Joy is a human emotion produced in the brain. Chocolate helps, but is not a complete cure. Opiates work also, however the long-term effects are addiction, bankruptcy, incarceration and death. Not really worth it. Besides, you can produce endorphins in your own brain without having to hang around alleys waiting for the local Hershey dealer to show up.

The part of the brain responsible for joy is present in all mammals as "rough and tumble play" or RAT play. Even rats enjoy RAT play but if you even put a little cat hair in their cages they'll cease the RAT play immediately and start reading Roberts Rules of Order.

Anxiety destroys RAT play. So like...calm down dude. Try some deep breathing, yoga, meditation, prayer, spiritual direction, hypnosis, therapy. All good stuff. The calmer you are the more fun you are. If this doesn't work, try watching this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5P6UU6m3cqk

If you're a relious Christian person at all, particularly a clergyperson, you should find this absolutely hilarious. If you don't, you may need professional help:
Communion Wafer Taste Test

885/250

The Leader in Times of Crisis

2007-09-02T08:50:00.000-07:00

I am surprised at how many leaders find themselves in crisis situations and do not know how to react. As a result of their poorly thought-out reaction, they are often forced to resign at best, and at worst their organizations crumble or people are harmed.

A crisis could be described as any of the following

- sudden drop in sales or revenue
- media exposure of poor quality product, product failure or fraud
- accident, fire or natural disaster
- major conflict among top executives or board members
- unexpected death of someone within the organization

In a crisis,our brains react differently than they do under even normal stresses. Specifically, the part of the brain responsible for "fight or flight" is triggered, and becomes a powerful decision - maker. Our rather primitive brains assume that in all crises we can run away or stand and fight off an attacker. We get increased heartbeat, rapid breathing, adrenalin bursts, and trembling muscles. When this energy is not used to run or fight it can be extremely self-defeating. One of its major side-effects is that it slows down the neocortex or "thinking brain" from operating properly. Leaders in crisis may actually become stupid.

The only way to avoid becoming stupid is to plan ahead for the worst. Most people in our civilization live in blissful ignorance of "the worst", to the point of denying our mortality. Extraordinary leaders are not "most people". Former New York Mayor Rudi Guliani said the most important thing in leadership is "to do your homework".

A leader who has done her homework will be a leader who can remain calm in times of crisis. She will know each next step and can proceed toward it calmly, even if her own life is in danger. Pilots of airplanes have procedures to go through right up to the moment the plane is crashing. These procedures are drilled into them in training so there is no time when the pilot starts running around the cockpit screaming "we're all gonna die!" I am amazed at how many chairs of boards do just that, metaphorically, when a conflict occurs among board members at a meeting or when sales revenue suddenly drops due to a product recall.

Tips for Crisis Preparation ("Doing Your Homework")

1. Imagine what are the worst things that could happen to you/your organization.
- typical conflicts
- business crises
- personal hardships, grief, loss
- accident situations (including acts of terror, natural disasters)
- exposure of fraud, criminal activity by someone important to the
organization
- worker strike or protest
- law suit

2. Think through carefully how you, as a leader, want to react in each and every one of these situations.

3. Consult with others in your organization about the best ways for everyone else to react. Refuse to let anyone shut down the conversation with "that'll never happen" or "let's spend our time on the crisis we have right now down in sales"(a minor employee conflict)

4. Take the time to write down on paper what your reaction will be to each of the above scenarios. Include whether you are willing to risk your own life in a situation for the sake of others you lead.

While crises are rare, the fact that you as a leader are prepared for the worst will have an effect on your day-to-day leadership during the "best" times, and times when things heat up slowly. Knowing that you fully prepared for the worst will bring upon you a calm when dealing with the day-to-day small stuff that raises our level of anxiety.

Crises rarely happen. Good leaders are prepared for them and respond faithfully and professionally. When they do, they move from being good leaders to great leaders or even heroes.

780/190

Too sad to blog

2007-08-25T20:16:00.000-07:00

Today I learned that my good friend of fifteen years died tragically in a hot-air balloon crash. Her beautiful daughter, the same age as my two daughters, died as well. It was her 50th birthday, and the whole family - husband, wife and two daughters, went on the balloon ride together. Her husband is in serious condition in hospital, and their other daughter is stable in Vancouver General Hospital burn unit.

Theirs was a very close (and very large) family, and they had a huge circle of friends. Everyone in is shock and grief.

I won't post their names, as not everyone in their circle of friends knows of the news yet.

For all I have learned and written about how to bring about change, that for which we wish and pray for the most is beyond all human control.

139/689

The Cover

2007-08-24T20:36:00.001-07:00

Woo hoo! The cover design is done!
Check it out....

Hospitality

2007-08-19T09:12:00.001-07:00

My daughter and I decided over the past few months to join a club related to a hobby of ours. There were three or four such clubs in the area, and we went to all of them to check them out. It was an interesting exercise. I have to say that for the most part, I have never experienced such a lack of hospitality. You'd think that when new members were up for grabs, that people would have some sense of purpose in welcoming folks. We were not treated rudely, but we were ignored. Simple things - like when we walked over to someone and introduced ourselves, the person didn't say their name back. We'd have to add, "and you are?" It was interesting that this question seemed to light people's faces up! (um....ya)

Friday was a big event at one of the clubs where we'd gotten to know a number of people. When we arrived, folks seemed genuinely pleased. They talked to us. The event was due to start at 10 am. We arrived at 9:57 to find we had missed it. Since "everyone was there" they decided to just start at 9:30. (We weren't entered in the event, we were going as spectators). Lunch was included, and we'd paid for that in advance. About 11:40 a group started wandering over to the clubhouse (where we'd never been). We weren't sure where they were going, why, and if it was appropriate for us to follow. Nobody said, "It's time for lunch. We're all going over to the clubhouse - just follow us." It was awkward and embarassing. We stood alone in the field, no one noticing that we were the only ones not going to lunch.

Now you're probably thinking that these are horribly inconsiderate people. But actually they're not. They're quite nice people, and what we noticed when we visited a number of clubs was that folks were pretty much the same all over.

Hospitality isn't something we can take for granted in our organziations. It's not a given when you have nice people. Leaders of organizations, large or small, need to pay particular attention to how hospitality is handled, and if possible, provide for training. Most businesses understand this - they call hospitality "customer service". If you're not nice to customers, they don't buy your product or service. Businesses have learned the hard way that hospitality counts. Folks will sacrifice hospitality/service for a cheap price, and sometimes for a high quality product. But as the world changes and the buying power is more in the hands of people who have the bulk of the money, this is becoming less true.

Being nice to people is not just avoiding being rude. You can't sit in silence, or ignore folks, and count that as being nice. Not everyone has the gift of hospitality (the natural ability to seek out the stranger, the shy, the confused, or the wary and respond to them with grace). Many leaders are not blessed with the gift of hospitality. I don't really have it naturally, because I'm naturally pretty shy around strangers, but I have learned it and come to value its importance.

Service clubs, sports organizations (for children and adults), churches and community groups could learn a thing or two from business about how to treat their "customers", and how to live out the Golden Rule.

647/114

24/7

2007-08-11T06:46:00.000-07:00

Last week I talked about the necessity of leadership at all times - the idea that we can never get complacent and believe we have "arrived" at some place in our organization (or that our organization has "arrived" at some place). Today I want to talk about the necessity of leadership every minute of every day when you're among the people you work with. If this sounds like a colossal drag, discontinue reading and pour yourself a scotch [yes, I know it's 8 am].

Over the years there have been a number of times when I've gotten myself into trouble of some sort. When I look back, I'd say that 99% of those times it's been the direct result of miscommunication. I've said something without thinking, or I've said something without being clear about what I meant, and the other person walked away with the wrong idea. I've also noted recently that when I think back to these times, the person always "caught me off guard". By this I mean that the conversations were in hallways, at social events, or five minutes before an important meeting started. My head was somewhere else - and I blurted out a response to their question without taking the time to listen, absorb, clarify, respond. Hmmm, that seems like a handy little formula.

Listen
Absorb
Clarify
Respond

I'm almost 50. You'd think I'd have learned by now that my hallway/picnic/pre-meeting responses to people are the things that I always mess up, and you'd think I'd have learned to keep my mouth shut in those instances. Perhaps it's my personality type. I think of myself as a compulsive contributor. It's a form of arrogance, really. My subconscious experience must go something like this:

Geez, this person really has a problem with this/me/them. S/he's come to me for help. After all this time teaching leadership, I MUST be able to help and offer some wisdom. I'll just draw my own conclusions as to what this is about and blurt out the first response that comes into my head.

Doh!

Since hallway leadership comes right out of the automatic-response part of the brain (often known as the "reptilian" brain) leaders who get themselves into these situations eventually resemble two crocodiles trying to copulate in the missionary position. One word: "unsuccessful". Okay, one more word: "ridiculous".

I know enough after all these years that if someone breezes up to me angry, or starts yelling over the phone or writing their email in capital letters, I need to get them into my office to talk it out. Once I'm in my office, sitting in my "listening" chair, and they're on the couch across from me with a cup of coffee in their hand, I cannot be "had". Honestly. I think I have enough experience now that I know what to do in this situation regardless of what comes out of their mouths. But water cooler and Christmas-party responses to "hey, how's it going?" have a pretty high probability of going south.

How hard can it be, I wonder, to simply say "this sounds like it's really important to you. I'd like to give you my undivided attention. When can we sit down together and talk about this?" Although I fully understand intellectually that this is what is needed in leadership, it's a matter of remembering it when simple conversations take an eyebrow-raising turn, or you're broadsided by someone as you put your key into the door.

Not only do we have to lead at all times, but we have to lead all the time.

59/566

Here we go again!

2007-08-04T09:08:00.000-07:00

After a five-week break of vacation and continuing education leave, I wasn't back to work for more than a couple of hours when someone called to talk about a conflict situation that I had to deal with. It was ok - I felt rested and energized. I met with the people and discussed their feelings about what was happening, and tried to plow through all the second-hand hearsay evidence and get down to facts. I reminded the folks talking to me of their leadership training: to relentlesslessy search after facts, to expect resistance and sabotage when they define themselves clearly, to not accept responsibility for the other's emotional reaction, and above all to stay calm. This seemed to help them. After they left my office, I had to remind myself of the same points.

I went back to my desk and looked at the 30-item long "to do" list. One of the items was "make that documentary film". Another was "annual updates on the website" and a third, "plan the next 10 months of weekly presentations". *sigh* "Here we go again," I thought. I could organize myself all I liked, but the truth of the matter is that a good chunk of time will have to be taken out of that schedule to deal with what I call "leadership items": conflict, process, relationships, teaching, learning.

About five years ago a mentally unstable person in my organization kept leaving gift bags of various dollar-store-type items at my office door. She was eventually arrested and carted off to a mental institution. One of the things in one of the bags was an airplane-serving-sized bottle of gin. At times like this, I make it a habit to open my third drawer down on the left and stare at this bottle of gin, the only gift item I didn't turn over to the cops. (If I ever do drink it, it will be in front of someone else, and for a pronounced comic effect.)

In my purse, one drawer down from the gin, was a $500 prize from an award that I'd just received for being outstanding in my field. Having passed on the gin yet one more time, as well as on the idea of spending the five hundred bucks on shoes or a one-way ticket to Hawaii, I put my feet up on the desk and leaned back in the chair, hands clasped behind my head. My desk faces a window, out of which I noticed that in my absence this summer the Kwik-Mart across the street had gone out of business. Good wake-up call!

I remember the simple, ignorant, yet strangely profound words of a young intern to me about twenty years ago. He was completely up to his ears in conflict and chaos. After explaining the situation at hand, he simply stated, "why can't things just run smoothly?" Indeed! I ask myself this often, and the research on my book was an organized asking of that exact question. To make a lot of research infinitely easy: they can't just run smoothly. Not possible. It's the nature of human beings, the nature of systemic organizations, and the nature of emotional systems/institutions that "things" will not take a smooth course, and leadership will always be required.

It seems that even if you dedicate your career to training good leaders, write books, and win prizes the fact remains that you have to actually lead all the time. Not only do you have to lead, but you have to remind yourself of your own teachings each and every day! No matter how many books I read, how much therapy I have, or meditation/prayer I engage in, I still have to keep on the top of my game 24/7. I will easily slip, and "things" will easily slip. There is no sense that you can just become a good leader and will then have somehow "arrived" and you don't have to learn any more or grow any more.

I guess it's pretty much like life that way.

Receiving Criticism

2007-07-28T09:05:00.000-07:00

One of the marks of a good leader is his or her ability to receive criticism graciously and to learn from it. For most of us, this is an extremely difficult thing to do. It's not that we don't know we have things to learn, it's a simple matter of criticism triggering our feelings of being flawed, helpless or even worthless. Once these feelings are triggered, our natural tendency is to either run away or stay and fight. Either response is unhealthy! Leaders need a strategy for hearing the criticism in a new way, and being able to respond effectively.

In my book I outline a four-step process for dealing with all forms of criticism: from helpful feedback to angry confrontation. The difference between these two lies in the emotional reactivity of the giver of the criticism, and says little about you, the one who is being critiqued.

STEP ONE
When someone gives you feedback or criticism do not defend yourself. This may seem simple, but it is often extremely difficult. I myself tend to forget my own advice when someone breezes up to me in the hallway and lights into me about something I did, that I had no idea would bother anyone.
Once you defend yourself, believe it or not, you are fighting. You are also not thinking. A quick reaction in defense engages the part of our brains responsible for "fight or flight", and significantly slows down our reasonable, rational brains. Not defending yourself immediately forces you to think.

STEP TWO
Ask yourself "how much of this is true that I can own up to right away?" Often when we are criticized, even if the person delivering it is doing so poorly, they are correct in their assessment. Human beings naturally jump to their own defense, even if that defense is as weak as "well, I didn't mean to". If you can swallow your shame for a moment, own up to what you did, and graciously apologize you will be lifted into a category with only a small number of truly great leaders.

STEP THREE
It may be that you are not in any way "guilty" of the thing you're being accused of. You can find no basis to it at all. If this is so, take the time to examine your own inner emotional response to the criticism. Are you angry? afraid? ashamed? Where do these emotions find their root? Note that you're still not responding to the person, or defending yourself.

STEP FOUR
Ask yourself "how much of this issue is really their problem?" It could be that the critique or feedback has little or nothing to do with you, and virtually everything to do with them. If this is so, you will want to listen as carefully and attentively as you can to their critique. You may wish to ask clarification questions and gather more facts. You may also want to ask them how they feel about the issue, or even validate their feelings (such as anger, disappointment, embarassment, etc.) Try to do this without an angry or sarcastic edge. Have some compassion for this person who is obviously upset or troubled by the issue.

A response would be the final "step" in this process, and probably should not happen until at least the next day - unless step one applies! Thank the "critique-er" for bringing this matter up, and let them know that you'd like to give it some thoughtful consideration, and you will get back to them tomorrow. They may not like this: most folks who are offering criticism wish to engage. Wise, thoughtful leaders will not engage until they have had sufficient time to think.

Assumptions: the straight poop

2007-07-21T08:59:00.000-07:00

I've lived just down the street from Frannie and Dan (not their real names) for six years now. I have to admit, it's the city and city folk just don't interrelate much. Especially if they don't have kids the same age. Nevertheless, we have been to Frannie and Dan's home for a neighborhood party, and they've come to our annual New Year's Open House once or twice. Most of our communication is getting out of our cars after work, rescuing wayward garbage cans, or talking about our dogs.

Frannie and Dan are of another nationality - they're immigrants to Canada, which is no surprise in my city where over 50% of the population are immigrants. I don't pretend to know a lot about their culture. I only try to avoid thinking of them in terms of the typical stereotypes.

But something about them that I discovered last week really surprised me. I had borrowed a roll of aluminum foil from Frannie and had forgotten to return it for about two months. When I walked down there to take it back, I noticed a rather prominent circle of bird poop right in front of their front door. My eyes went up to the light fixture in the middle of their front porch, and sure enough...there was a little bird's nest plain as day. I strained my neck, but couldn't see any of the little birdies.

You never know with people. Frannie and Dan have a beautiful house, lovely flowers and shrubberies and brand new cars. They're both good-looking and the whole family is tastefully dressed and immaculately groomed. I wouldn't have taken them to be people that would let birds live in their porch, pooping down on any unsuspecting arriving houseguests. I guess that although I've tried not to assume things about them based on their race, I obviously have assumed things based on their flowergardens. (I assumed they put pesticides on their lawns; I assumed they didn't care about birds as much as appearances; I assumed their little girl's feelings about baby birds would come secondary to keeping up with the Joneses)

Any self-respecting leader who is reading this website or my book
I assume will not be racist. Racism destroys organizations, morale, work ethic. But there's a lesson to be learned in this bird's nest story nevertheless: All assumption is flawed!

I cant tell you how many times I've seen leaders run into trouble by making assumptions, rather than gathering facts. I've done it myself as well.

It seems as if it's human nature to assume we know things. After all, it saves time. Collecting facts is far more effort.

Today I drove down the street and noticed Dan sweeping up bird poop in his porch. He waved to me and smiled. "Where you off to?"

"Going to pick up my copy of Harry Potter!" I replied.

"Is that so? I assumed you wouldn't approve of that sort of thing," he said, poopy broom in hand. Go figure.

The Leader's Self-Care

2007-07-14T08:20:00.000-07:00

Vacation
I'm on vacation. If you're like me and part of a caring profession this is known as time for "self-care". In fact there are a lot of books out there on "self-care for caregivers": clergy, nurses, counsellors, doctors. All the "nice" people. Folks who spend their lives helping others and getting paid for it. Helping professions seem to bring with them a particular kind of stress.

Most of the self-care stuff out there is about scheduling yourself to have time for family, hobbies and relaxation. There are other tricks to the self-care trade like incorporating yoga, prayer, and full-body relaxation methods. Stuff like listening to CDs of quiet music as waves crash and whales are hugged in the background.

I'm not really pooh-poohing all these things. I listen to whale-hugging CDs and practice centering prayer. I also schedule time during the week to be home with family and I have hobbies. Blogging's not a hobby. Yes it is. No it isn't. Well, talking to yourself while blogging is. Okay if you say so.

The problem is that lot of people do all these things and they still end up with stress, failing health, dodgy relationships and burnout. Others seem to thrive on hard work, and never have any problems.

Time off is not what reduces stress. What reduces stress is becoming more emotionally intelligent - more aware of your triggers for stress - and managing yourself differently in the face of that stress. Let's look at the common (yet silly) advice, "Don't take your work home with you." This is often told to counsellors and people who work with children and youth-at-risk. What it advocates is cutting off from your emotional reaction to the people or problems. Cramming your feelings under a trapdoor and trying to "not think of it" at home. Problem is, it eats away at your very cells while crammed under that door. You're just not aware of it until you get sick, or the emotions overflow into your closest relationships.

Emotional Intelligence is Key
Emotional intelligence means you become aware of the feelings you have in response to someone else's problem. It could go like this: "Gee that poor woman is getting discharged today, and she has 3 kids at home and her husband is no help. She's all alone and in pain. This really upsets me. It makes me feel both sad and afraid. I wouldn't want to experience such loneliness and abandonment." If the person thinking this could take just five minutes after work to really experience those emotions - maybe even cry a few tears - then she would not "take it home with her". But people don't take those five minutes. Why? Because they're afraid that if they start to really experience their own emotions they will slide down a slope into an abyss (of painful emotions) and never be able to get back out. In some cases, they're right. Not everyone should "try this at home". If you've never opened that trapdoor before, you might need some help in lifting the lid a crack and peeking inside. However, if you live a fairly pain-free life, you might want to give it a try. Just stop holding back what you want to feel (anger, fear, sadness) and let 'er rip. You may be surprised that it just doesn't last long, and you feel a whole lot better. Grandma wasn't so far off when she said "you just need a good cry." Neither was grandpa when he advocated "just go in the garage and take it out on the punching bag."

Self-Care Review

vacations and time off isn't helpful if you bring your stress with you

just "not thinking about it" only removes it from conscious thought and puts it into other relationships or into your cells

your reaction to events at work or the workload itself is more of a problem than experiencing the events at work, or the workload

your reaction to difficult situations and people is different than everyone else's reaction, therefore it is not a “given”

you can change your reaction to people, events and your workload

the first step in change is to be aware of your emotions

experiencing your emotions is better than shutting them down